When a child develops an eating disorder, parents can feel frightened, overwhelmed and unsure how best to help. In a recent tastelife UK webinar, Di and Graham Archer shared their experience of supporting both their daughters through eating disorders, reflecting on the challenges, mistakes and lessons they learned along the way.
Their story is a reminder that parents do not need to have all the answers. Understanding, patience, communication and support can make a real difference.
The phone call that changed everything
Di and Graham's journey began when their eldest daughter, who was studying at university, became seriously ill while on holiday in America. She had developed severe anorexia and bulimia, and repeated vomiting had caused her potassium levels to fall dangerously low. Thankfully, a friend recognised the symptoms and took her to hospital, helping to save her life.
The experience was a frightening introduction to the seriousness of eating disorders for the whole family. They had little understanding of the illness and quickly realised how much it affected them all.
‘We knew absolutely nothing. No idea that they could ever be this dangerous. We discovered that they are dreadful for everyone. No matter what kind of eating issue it is, it isn’t just the person who’s affected. Eating disorders affect family and community around them.’
Bringing their daughter home was only the beginning. Accessing appropriate support proved difficult, and they found themselves having to learn how to care for their daughter in a completely different way. Although she was approaching adulthood, they suddenly needed to provide a level of care and supervision they had not expected.
Like many parents, they questioned whether they had missed the signs or done something wrong. However, they came to realise that looking backwards was less important than understanding what their daughter needed from them now.
Learning how to support their daughters
‘In order to help our daughter through all of this, what do we need to rediscover? How do we find out what she feels that she needs in this situation? When are the times that we need to confront behaviour and when are the times we just need to embrace her and tell her that we care about her?’
With limited professional support available, Di and Graham began researching eating disorders and learning as much as they could. A friend, Jean, who was an eating disorder counsellor and had supported her own daughters through similar experiences, became an invaluable source of help.
They discovered how little many people understand about eating disorders. The assumption that someone simply needs to eat more, or that recovery is about willpower, can leave families feeling isolated and misunderstood.
There was no simple formula for supporting their daughters. They had to learn through trial and error, balancing their daughters' growing independence with the need to keep them safe.
One important lesson was to maintain a relationship that was not entirely centred on food or the eating disorder. Supporting their daughters' education, enjoying time together and finding ordinary family activities helped them remember that there was more to their relationship than the illness.
Di also recognised that she needed support herself. Having trusted friends and someone she could talk openly with helped her manage the fear, sadness and exhaustion that came with the situation.
‘Seeking support for ourselves felt like a betrayal. But, parents and carers need somewhere safe to express their feelings and find encouragement too.’
What helped their daughters towards recovery?
Di and Graham explained that their daughters' experiences were very different, and what helped one was not necessarily right for the other.
Their eldest daughter benefited greatly from talking to Jean, who was outside the immediate family. Jean provided a safe space where she could express her feelings without worrying about her parents' reactions.
They also recognised that parents cannot make someone recover. Their daughter needed to find her own motivation for change. Her faith, hopes for having children in the future and working through difficult childhood experiences all became important parts of her recovery.
Their experience with their younger daughter was different. She was less inclined to talk openly, so they found other ways to maintain communication. They began leaving notes for one another, allowing their daughter to express herself in writing when face-to-face conversations felt too difficult. This helped them keep communication open, even when the eating disorder made it feel as though there was a barrier between them.
Another important lesson was learning to separate the person from the eating disorder. The illness could influence behaviour and create secrecy, but their daughters were much more than their eating disorders.
Throughout the journey, Di and Graham tried to keep communication open and provide a safe space where their daughters could be honest, even when they did not always get it right.
How tastelife began
Their own experiences led Di and Graham to consider how they could help other families facing similar challenges. Together with Jean, they asked themselves what they would have wanted when their family was struggling.
This led to the development of the tastelife Recovery Course, designed to help people understand eating disorders, explore how they develop and discover how recovery can happen.
The Course was initially accredited by the University of Brighton. As more people expressed an interest in running it in their own communities, tastelife developed a network of trained leaders and eventually became a charity.
Today, tastelife offers Recovery, Prevention and Education initiatives, helping people, families and organisations affected by eating disorders.
What advice would they give to parents who feel stuck?
Graham acknowledged that families can sometimes fall into patterns of behaviour that make life feel more manageable in the short term but do not necessarily help recovery.
When things feel stuck, it may be worth considering whether a different approach could help. For example, someone who tends to avoid difficult conversations might gently raise something they have been worried about. Equally, a parent who tends to confront behaviour might try stepping back and allowing more space.
‘It’s so, so important to ask and find out actually what’s going on for them emotionally, because the food thing seems all consuming. But actually, it’s what’s going on underneath that is really important and encouraging.’
The key is to keep reflecting on what might be helpful rather than feeling that there is only one right way to respond.
Parents cannot do the work of recovery for their child, but they can continue to offer unconditional love, encouragement and support. Sometimes this means having difficult conversations; at other times, it simply means watching a film together or enjoying an ordinary family activity.
These moments of connection remind both parent and child that their relationship is about much more than the illness.
Questions from parents and carers
The webinar ended with a Q&A session, covering some of the challenges families commonly face.
How can you recognise the early signs of an eating disorder?
Possible signs include changes in eating habits, going to the toilet immediately after meals, binge eating and changes in mood. However, these signs do not necessarily mean someone has an eating disorder.
Di and Graham encouraged parents to open a calm, caring conversation rather than approach their child with accusations. Schools may also be able to help by noticing changes and offering practical support.
What if two children in the same family are struggling?
Di shared her experience of both daughters developing eating disorders. She explained how easy it was to miss the signs in her younger daughter, despite having already been through the experience with her eldest.
Her advice was not to become overwhelmed by the fear of making the wrong decision. Families should keep communication open, seek appropriate professional support, especially family therapy. tastelife is here for them too. Remember that recovery is possible, even when the situation feels particularly difficult.
How long does recovery take?
Di explained that her eldest daughter's physical recovery took around 18 months, while her emotional recovery took considerably longer. Her younger daughter's experience was different.
Recovery does not follow a set timetable. Physical health and emotional wellbeing may improve at different rates, and there can be setbacks along the way. Every person's journey is different.
What if professional support focuses on physical health rather than underlying issues?
Di encouraged parents to ask healthcare professionals about talking therapies and continue seeking the support their child needs. Finding the right counsellor or therapist can take time, and it is important that the young person feels comfortable with the person supporting them.
She also mentioned the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the Association of Christian Counsellors (ACC) as possible starting points for finding counselling support.
Holding on to hope
Di and Graham's story is not one of having all the answers. It is a story of being frightened, making mistakes and learning as they went along.
Their experience highlights the importance of understanding, communication and maintaining a relationship with your child that extends beyond the eating disorder.
Parents cannot force recovery or control every decision their child makes. However, they can continue to offer love, seek support, remain open to learning and encourage their child to find their own reasons for recovery.
Above all, their message to parents and carers is simple:
‘You are not alone, you do not have to get everything right, and recovery is possible.’
Find out more about tastelife UK
The tastelife community recovery course is available to people affected by eating disorders, including parents and carers. No formal diagnosis or GP referral is needed.
The course offers information, practical resources and the opportunity to learn alongside others who understand the challenges.
To find out more about tastelife's courses and resources, visit the tastelife UK website.
If you are worried about a child or young person, seek advice from an appropriate healthcare professional, particularly if you have concerns about their physical health.